Aaron Kwittken of Kwittken & Co. compiles the list for Entrepreneur:
- You want to be on Oprah
- You want to spend less time on PR
- The agency is willing to take equity in lieu of cash
- It’s the least-expensive agency you could find
- Agency fees are on a per-media placement basis
- The agency is guaranteeing a minimum number of media placements
- You want media placements in the next 30 days
Denver Public Relations Blog 
In my 40 + years in the agency business I have heard all of those many times. I had one prospect ask if I could guarantee him a story in the Chicago Tribune. I said “Absolutely” … just go down outside the Tribune building on Michigan Ave and beat up the first old lady you see. I will call the news desk just before that.
Classic!