Who Had the Worst Week?

• Denver Public Schools students returned to class this week amid temperatures that were in the mid to high 90s, even though more than 40 district schools do not have air conditioning.
• Ford said that an unstoppable, 109-decibel “ear piercing” noise from speakers in its F-150 trucks doesn’t “rise to the level of a recallable safety defect.“
• Losing a 40-yard-dash to former NFLer Stevan Ridley was bad enough, but comedian Kevin Hart somehow managed to end up in a wheelchair after “tearing his lower abdomen.”
• A Washington restaurant appropriately named Frugals allegedly served milkshakes contaminated with Listeria bacteria when they failed to properly clean their shake machine. Three people have died.
• How do you say, “Oh, snap” in Russian? Russia’s space program had an embarrassing week when its first robotic lunar mission in nearly 50 years ended in failure (the probe crashed into – rather than landed on – the moon). And then, just days later, a competing probe from India succeeded. Оx, xватка.
• Taylor who? Ed Sheeran broke the Empower Field attendance record last weekend with 85,233 fans.
• Rosenberg’s Bagels has backed away from plans to open a deli at DIA following a dispute with one of the members of the powerful cartel of concessionaires that rule most of the businesses at the airport.
• If you are missing a bright orange iguana, please contact Arapahoe County Animal Services.
• FIFA is the PR disaster gift that keeps on giving. Last week, prior to the Women’s World Cup Final, FIFA President Gianni Infantino insulted women by saying they aren’t “picking the right battles” when it comes to equality. This week, the skeevy president of the Spanish football federation, Luis Rubiales, is on the brink of being fired for surprising star player Jenni Hermoso with a kiss on the lips following Spain’s championship. And, for good measure, Spain’s head coach, Jorge Vilda, may or may not have inappropriately touched a female staffer during the final against England.
• Ironically, a Florida library may have created the plot for the next Stephen King novel when a drop box used to return books after-hours severed a woman’s finger.
• You need to earn an annual salary of $709,000 to qualify as a 1%-er in Colorado. Out of reach? You could move to New Mexico, where it only takes a salary of $411,000 per year.
• One of Colorado’s most-acclaimed restaurants won’t be eligible to compete for a Michelin star because it is on the wrong side of Yosemite Street.
• Former Denver Bronco and current 104.3 The Fan sports radio host Chad Brown is being sued by two former employees of his exotic reptile business. And one of the two employees alleges the married Brown engaged in an extramarital affair with her.
• Fun Fact: Those “Welcome to Colorful Colorado” signs that appear at our state borders cost about $3,700 each. We know that because people keep stealing them and CDOT has to pay for replacements. Maybe somebody should look into the company that manufactures the signs to see if they are the ones stealing them.
• More people call in sick on Aug. 24 than any other day of the year.
• If, in your office pool, you had “accidentally fall out of a high-rise window” for the fate of Wagner Group founder Yevgeny Prigozhin, well, that was a great guess. The correct answer, however, was, “The private plane he was flying in ‘accidentally’ exploded.”

So, who won the week?

• The current stock market bull run has increased the number of 401(k) millionaires by 26%.
• University of Colorado Buffaloes’ football ticket sales have increased 1,667% since last season, a sign of how much excitement exists for Deion Sanders’ first year as head coach.
• Adams County named Kerrie Joy as its first poet laureate.