• Denver Public Schools students returned to class this week amid temperatures that were in the mid to high 90s, even though more than 40 district schools do not have air conditioning.
• Ford said that an unstoppable, 109-decibel “ear piercing” noise from speakers in its F-150 trucks doesn’t “rise to the level of a recallable safety defect.“
• Losing a 40-yard-dash to former NFLer Stevan Ridley was bad enough, but comedian Kevin Hart somehow managed to end up in a wheelchair after “tearing his lower abdomen.”
• A Washington restaurant appropriately named Frugals allegedly served milkshakes contaminated with Listeria bacteria when they failed to properly clean their shake machine. Three people have died.
• How do you say, “Oh, snap” in Russian? Russia’s space program had an embarrassing week when its first robotic lunar mission in nearly 50 years ended in failure (the probe crashed into – rather than landed on – the moon). And then, just days later, a competing probe from India succeeded. Оx, xватка.
• Taylor who? Ed Sheeran broke the Empower Field attendance record last weekend with 85,233 fans.
• Rosenberg’s Bagels has backed away from plans to open a deli at DIA following a dispute with one of the members of the powerful cartel of concessionaires that rule most of the businesses at the airport.
• If you are missing a bright orange iguana, please contact Arapahoe County Animal Services.
• FIFA is the PR disaster gift that keeps on giving. Last week, prior to the Women’s World Cup Final, FIFA President Gianni Infantino insulted women by saying they aren’t “picking the right battles” when it comes to equality. This week, the skeevy president of the Spanish football federation, Luis Rubiales, is on the brink of being fired for surprising star player Jenni Hermoso with a kiss on the lips following Spain’s championship. And, for good measure, Spain’s head coach, Jorge Vilda, may or may not have inappropriately touched a female staffer during the final against England.
• Ironically, a Florida library may have created the plot for the next Stephen King novel when a drop box used to return books after-hours severed a woman’s finger.
• You need to earn an annual salary of $709,000 to qualify as a 1%-er in Colorado. Out of reach? You could move to New Mexico, where it only takes a salary of $411,000 per year.
• One of Colorado’s most-acclaimed restaurants won’t be eligible to compete for a Michelin star because it is on the wrong side of Yosemite Street.
• Former Denver Bronco and current 104.3 The Fan sports radio host Chad Brown is being sued by two former employees of his exotic reptile business. And one of the two employees alleges the married Brown engaged in an extramarital affair with her.
• Fun Fact: Those “Welcome to Colorful Colorado” signs that appear at our state borders cost about $3,700 each. We know that because people keep stealing them and CDOT has to pay for replacements. Maybe somebody should look into the company that manufactures the signs to see if they are the ones stealing them.
• More people call in sick on Aug. 24 than any other day of the year.
• If, in your office pool, you had “accidentally fall out of a high-rise window” for the fate of Wagner Group founder Yevgeny Prigozhin, well, that was a great guess. The correct answer, however, was, “The private plane he was flying in ‘accidentally’ exploded.”

So, who won the week?

• The current stock market bull run has increased the number of 401(k) millionaires by 26%.
• University of Colorado Buffaloes’ football ticket sales have increased 1,667% since last season, a sign of how much excitement exists for Deion Sanders’ first year as head coach.
• Adams County named Kerrie Joy as its first poet laureate.

• Yuma County, Colo., now can claim the largest hailstone in our state’s history, a fact that will surely be of interest to home insurance providers.
• Vail Mountain must pay $275,000 to the state for releasing hazardous water from its snowmaking system into the Mill and Gore creeks, killing fish and turning the creeks a toxic blue-gray color.
• A United Airlines pilot snapped and attacked a barrier gate with an axe at a DIA employee parking lot, causing about $700 in damage. Police said that he told them that he “just hit his breaking point” after being stuck in a long line.
• Vlatko Andonovski, the head coach of the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team, resigned after the team failed to advance in the knock-out round of the FIFA Women’s World Cup. Spain and England will face off in the final Sunday.
• And it wouldn’t be a World Cup without FIFA officials saying something stupid. Right on cue, FIFA President Gianni Infantino used the world’s spotlight to declare that “women should ‘pick the right battle” to “convince us men” in the fight for equality. He was responding to criticism that women will receive about one-third of the prize money the men receive.
• Maui’s emergency management chief, Herman Andaya, resigned a day after facing mounting criticism for not activating the island’s public alert sirens during the recent wildfires. At least 111 people have died in the fires.
• Meanwhile, shares in the utility company Hawaiian Electric are down 61% this month. Officials suspect that the company’s power lines may have sparked some of the fires. For context, Xcel Energy’s stock fell only about 12% following the Marshall Fire.
• If you have ever wanted to see a trombonist chased by a buffalo, the Jazz Festival at Genesee Park is this weekend.
• Actor Bradley Cooper is receiving criticism for his prosthetic nose in his role as Jewish composer Leonard Bernstein in the movie “Maestro.” 
• The real-life people behind the feel-good movie “The Blind Side” are quickly positioning the film for a sequel. This one, however, will be a courtroom-based legal drama.
• Do you remember in 2012 when Denver-based Galvanize launched its coding school and co-working space that was going to revolutionize the tech industry? It played out a little differently.
• The Denver Catholic Archdiocese is fighting with the LGBTQ+ community again. This time, it has sued the state to allow it to exclude LGBTQ+ parents, staff and kids from its preschools that are part of Colorado’s new state-funded universal preschool program.
• A Vice News reporter who covers reproductive rights is sharing the weirdest sex-related PR pitches she has received. It will make you appreciate having relatively dull restaurant or healthcare clients.
• Beloved Colorado nature photographer John Fielder passed away after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. He was 73.

So, who won the week?

• Former Denver Post/AP/Colorado Sun reporter Brian Eason is returning to the Colorado Sun after a two-year stint with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
• The reigning NBA champion Denver Nuggets will kick-off the league’s 2023-2024 season with a primetime game against the L.A. Lakers.
• The San Miguel (Colo.) Sheriff’s Office saw one too many novices attempt to navigate the dangerous Black Bear Pass this week. In the most viral Colorado law enforcement tweet since “a large rock the size of a small rock,” the San Miguel sheriff declared that “ass clowns” who don’t know what they are doing “should be be prepared to abandon your vehicle, be stranded, or be seriously injured and inconvenienced.”
• Breckenridge and Vail announced they will open their lifts on Nov. 10.
• Who would you take in a fight between Batman and Barbie? In the box office battle, you’d want “Barbie,” which just surpassed “Batman” as Warner Bros. Discovery’s highest-grossing film ever. “Barbie” has now made $1.2 billion globally.

• A brand new driving instructor – it was his second day on the job – crashed his car into the Lakewood driving school where he worked.
• An Italian cheesemaker died after being crushed by thousands of rounds of Grana Padano cheese in the aging room of his factory in northern Italy.
• The mayor of Tampa reeled in a cooler-sized package of cocaine worth $1.1 million while fishing with her family in the Florida Keys.
• A Texas woman is recovering after she was simultaneously attacked by a snake and a hawk as she mowed her lawn. The snake was dropped mid-air by the hawk, and it landed on the woman and wrapped itself around her arm. The hawk then swooped down trying to re-snatch the snake.
• A massive data breach at the Colorado Department of Higher Education has affected people who taught at or attended a Colorado high school at almost any point this century. Names and social security numbers were among the information taken.
• Colorado is experiencing an “unprecedented” West Nile virus outbreak due to the heavy rains earlier this summer. Even more concerning is that the peak is not expected until September.
• A Lufthansa pilot upset over having his flight diverted flew the commercial plane in a penis-shaped pattern before finally landing in Malta.
• Former Colorado Supreme Court Chief Justice Nathan “Ben” Coats was censured for his role in violating the code of conduct related to a secret contract with a former administrator.
• If you are tired of Californians moving to Colorado, you are not going to like this story. Hank the Tank, a 400-pound female black bear who has ransacked dozens of houses in South Lake Tahoe, has been relocated to our state. Hank said she is looking forward to lower taxes.
• NASCAR suspended driver Noah Gragson indefinitely after he “liked” a racist meme with a photo of George Floyd on social media.
• The repressive regime of Malaysia has made owning an LGBTQ-themed Swatch punishable by up to three years in jail.
• Fifty-three people have now died in the wildfires in Maui and the historic town of Lahaini has been destroyed.
• Commercial real estate continues to suffer following the pandemic and a continued work-from-home trend. The latest evidence: a vacant Denver Tech Center building is on the market for one-third the price that its owners paid for it in 2013. That’s a $50 million discount.
• Speaking of office space, former co-working darling WeWork disclosed in an SEC filing that, “Substantial doubt exists about the company’s ability to continue as a going concern.”
• The Houston Texans continue to live up to their reputation as the sexual assaultiest NFL franchise.
• DJ Casper, the creator of the ubiquitous dance hit, the “Cha-Cha Slide,” passed away at the age of 58.

So, who won the week?

• 9News sports reporter Rod Mackey has moved down the street to CBS4.
• The Cherry Cricket and Snarfburger were the big winners of the 2023 Denver Burger Battle.
• Denver Broncos QB Russell Wilson and his singer wife Ciara are expecting their fourth child.
• Telluride’s Stronghouse Brew Pub was named the best in the country by USA Today.

• Ice cream maker Baskin-Robbins is playing defense after a Hindu cleric accused the company of using animal byproducts in its Rocky Road flavor. Thought to be vegetarian, the flavor actually includes marshmallows that are made from gelatin that is “derived from hides, connective tissue, and/or bones of cattle and swine.”
• Buyers in Denver need to earn $162,000 annually to afford a median-priced home in the city.
• Fentanyl is being blamed for a 50% increase in deaths of people who are homeless in Denver.
• Three former dancers have sued Grammy-winning singer Lizzo, alleging that they were subjected to a hostile work environment and harassment.
• A new study finds that Denver Public Schools are more segregated today than they were 50 years ago.
• Fox Sports, not to mention fans, can’t be happy that the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team finished a disappointing second in Group E of the FIFA Women’s World Cup. The second-place finish means that all of the U.S.’s remaining games (which take place in Australia and New Zealand) will now start between 1 am – 4 am MT.
• Apparently nowhere in Denver is safe. A golf club bandit has been targeting local golf courses.
• The Broadway adaptation of “Back to the Future” – yes, that is actually a thing – is getting roasted by critics.
• The Gaylord Rockies Resort has paid $87 million in back taxes is previously disputed it owed.
• The Bud Light boycott cost parent company Anheuser-Busch InBev $395 million in lost revenue in Q2.
• Magnus White, a 17-year-old bicyclist and member of the U.S. National Team, was killed when he was hit by a car while training in Boulder County. He was training to compete in the Junior Men’s Mountain Bike Cross-Country World Championships in Scotland next week.
• Texas A&M agreed to a $1 million settlement with a journalism professor it tried to hire away from the University of Texas. Texas A&M initially offered her the position of dean, but the terms of her job offer were subsequently diminished over several follow-up offers following what she alleges was political pushback.
• The PAC-12 Conference appears to be about 48 hours away from collapsing, potentially leaving Washington State, Oregon State, Stanford and the University of California at Berkeley without a home.
• The EPA has blocked a state air permit for the Suncor refinery in Commerce City, citing complaints from local residents and environmental groups that the refinery has had a long history of air and water pollution violations.
• Zachery Ty Bryan, the Aurora, Colo. native who played the oldest son Brad on the TV series “Home Improvement,” was arrested again on domestic violence charges.

So, who won the week?

• Longtime Denver7 anchor Anne Trujillo announced she will retire in November. She first started at the station nearly 40 years ago.
• Amber Ferguson has been named the Deputy Director of Communications at Adams County Government.
• Erica Calhoun, SVP and head of experiential marketing at Public Label Agency, ShuBu Creative CEO Becca Cooper Leebove and 9News Director of Media and Brand Blair Nelson Marlin were named Outstanding Women in Business by the Denver Business Journal.
• Denver food truck The Easy Vegan won the “The Great Food Truck Race“ competition on the Food Network. The Easy Vegan operates in Denver as a pop-up restaurant, but was given a food truck to compete on the television show.
• Tired of security lines at DIA? For $4.1 million, you can have your own – albeit considerably smaller – airport.