Who Had the Worst Week?

  • Westword reporter extraordinaire Michael Roberts announced he is leaving, in a move that is a huge blow to the media outlet. He has spent more than 32 years at Westword, and is its most prolific reporter. His last day is today.
  • Seven western states including Colorado are days away from having the federal government unilaterally implement cuts to their allotment of water from the Colorado River. As one public policy advocate said, “Think of the Colorado River Basin as a slow-motion disaster. We’re really at a moment of reckoning.”
  • Coban Porter, the younger brother of Denver Nuggets star Michael Porter, Jr. and a member of the University of Denver basketball team, was arrested on vehicular homicide charges after a fatal accident near the DU campus.
  • M&M’s is trolling America by placing its “spokescandies” mascots on an “indefinite pause” and replacing them with comedienne/actress Maya Rudolph. While conservatives criticized the “woke” characters and liberals then criticized M&M’s “overreaction,” the fact is everyone is talking about M&M’s. We’ll wait for parent company Mars, Inc.’s Q1 earnings report before we decide whether M&M’s marketers are geniuses or idiots.
  • Meanwhile, A&W Restaurants – yes, there are still A&W Restaurants apparently – sought to steal a little of the M&M’s spotlight by announcing that its previously pants-less mascot “Rooty” would now wear them because of the current “polarizing” political environment. Winnie the Pooh, the Geico Gecko and Chester Cheetah had no comment.
  • Former Colorado Rockies star Todd Helton barely missed election the Baseball Hall of Fame, receiving 72.2% of the necessary 75% of votes. Early predictions had him making it.
  • There has been a lot of concern recently over alleged air quality issues caused by the Suncor refinery in Commerce City. To show they are responsive to community concerns, the company’s latest environmental accident was water based – releasing 40-80% more benzene than legally allowed in Sand Creek.
  • Two months after being seriously burned in a garage fire, comedian Jay Leno was involved in a motorcycle accident that left him with multiple broken bones.
  • A Kansas hunter was killed when his dog stepped on and fired a rifle in the back of the pickup he was in. I guess animals stick together.
  • Denver mayoral candidate Lisa Calderon’s official website is being held as part of a ransomware scheme. In her defense, IT security is not listed as part of her campaign platform.
  • Scientists have moved the “Doomsday Clock” to 90 seconds to midnight, the closest it has ever been to the midnight metaphor for Armageddon. Presumably the war in Ukraine is responsible for the change, but I’m not sure how that is worse than the cold war and the Cuban Missile Crisis, for example. Nevertheless, you’ve got 90 seconds, people. Use that time wisely.
  • Former Denver Broncos player Shannon Sharpe has apologized for his ridiculous behavior at a recent L.A. Lakers game. It turns out years of being a screaming voice on a hack sports TV show may actually be detrimental to your mental health.
  • Richard Steadman, the groundbreaking orthopedic surgeon and namesake of Vail Health’s famed Steadman Clinic, passed away at the age of 85.

So, who won the week?